Maybe it was a mistake to think that I wouldn’t have to struggle while taking 15 hours. Maybe it was a mistake to underestimate what it feels like to go back into the States and resume school without taking into account reverse culture shock. Or the feelings of inadequacy and slight hopelessness that come with self-doubt.

But also, I chose this because I know I can make it through, successfully. I believe in my power and voice.

I also realize that what people think of me, my work, my wit, my brain, is literally none of my business and needs to be a non-issue. The funny thing about grad school is that nobody tells you that you need to transition from your status of being an excellent student to being an excellent scholar. The grades and performance culture don’t matter much – you just need to get through and do good work.

September has been a shitty month. Today is the last day I’m going to skip seminar. I need to suck it up what I signed up for, and stand in my shit. I can only go onwards. It will be fun and adventurous, even when it’s hard and I’m afraid.