#FFC726

Source: “Celebration of Blackness” series, Carl Pope, 2002.

I have no New Year’s Resolution’s for 2015. I dislike like the nature of resolution lists; not because self-improvement is bad, but there is not enough focus on what already exists within the self that is positive. Additionally, the good stuff that already exists within the self is not emphasized as something that can be strengthened.
This does not mean that I have not reflected over 2014: I tend to recurrently think of each day, or the past day, or the past years. These are the things that were true this year:
  1. I am enough.
  2. I am more than enough: I am excellence.
  3. You should form and build community with loving, affirming, and accountable individuals.
  4. That beloved community concept is key to social change.
  5. There is no such thing as a safe space.
  6. Despite #5, #3 must always happen, or we will despair and die.
  7. From #3, we find mentors and models who encourage others to cultivate their own voices.
  8. Optimal health (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social) is imperative.
  9. Kindness should be valued; but to be “well-meaning” should never be an escape from accountability.
  10. Discontinue anything or any relationship that impedes #1-9. Leave whatever impedes #1-9 behind.
    1. Exhibit A:
Also true this year:

“If you think you’re going to die to struggle or cannot do the activism, just survive it. It’s not your fault.” – Melissa Harris Perry, 2014 Jana Mackey Distinguished Lecture Series

“I’ve learned three things. I tell everybody that I never used these words much but now I am happy to use them pretty much all the time. One is ‘no.’ The other one is ‘shut up.’ And the last one is ‘get out!’ Now that I have that arsenal, I could go forth. (laughs.)” – Toni Morrison

“Informalize a formal process.”

 “The more you speak, the stronger your voice becomes.”

There was a lot of light, love, and joy this year, and trumped the murkiness, loneliness, and pain I experienced. Light, love, and joy will always win, and will be my lighthouse for the following years, because I will build upon that.

Mezzano.

September was mixed. It was confusing, awkward, and angry. Save for my very nice job and support (friends, fam, boyfriend), I broke various promises to myself and got involved in things that we’re not worth my time. October will be settled down, chill, and a reaffirmation of my goals/another opportunity to get back on track. Here’s a mix of what my life sounded like.

Words of Advice: It’s better to try and believe in yourself than to wallow in anxiety or self-pity for fear of not achieving your goals. Be brave and bring back the goods, as long as you’re doing your very best.

I’ll Bring Back the Goods: Self-Bread Winner Space Lady Champ

the question isn’t “how do i become more confident/less self-conscious”. you have to let go of the confidence/self-esteem model completely to begin with, it is totalizing and self-effacing. a more interesting question is “what do i desire?” “what can i live through?”

I just finished a 24+ page single-spaced academic paper. Now that I know that I’m capable of writing seminar papers, I feel much much better about pursuing graduate study than I was before writing. It’s very nice seeing what we “wish” or “want” be achieved by “doing.” As such, the quote above is reflective of that, and reinforces my current mentality.
As of late, I’ve realized that I am again hitting a limit with certain things: jokes people tell, other people’s company, what I’m willing to put myself into. In the past, I would feel somewhat upset that I wasn’t into going out to bars and drinking or dancing, or that I couldn’t indulge in “typical college social behavior.” But now that I have a solid social circle, stuff that I want to be involved in, and coursework that is fulfilling to me, worrying about whether I’m a freak or w/e is a waste of my time.
The goal right now is not to waste my time, ever. You could also call this purposeful living.
The ultimate goal is to become the equivalent of a space babe heroine.
Space Babe Heroine is the following:
Femme.
Strong, physically and mentally.
Resilient.
Active and assertive.
Sensual.
Forward thinking.
Ridiculous and kitsch.
Never gives up.
Asks for help.
Loves very deeply.
And wears a uniform.
I’m embracing organization now, so I bought tons of folders and a white board and planner. I have a lot to achieve and do this by the end of the year. The soundtrack to my mindset is Homogenic by Björk (without the gross cover photo).

When White Lady Privilege Goes Unchecked: Hard Femme and Erasure

Source: Lena Newt
We are all aware that white women have a problem when it comes to truthfully connecting with women of color, and especially black women. In our societal context, although white women continually advocate for a seat at the table for equality, there are no qualms with being racist to get to that table; and so, when interacting with black women, there can be an imperialist gaze, brought by white men, but utilized in a different form uniquely for white women.
I’ve observed this when I was on tumblr and within femme circles on the internet. I don’t participate, but I do belong to a facebook group called Femme Realness (a sort of safe space for femmes to interact and talk to one another, find deals, etc etc). I am not enthusiastic about it because although it refers to itself as explicitly anti-racist, anti-transphobic, all the antis and calls itself inclusive, I rarely see brown or black women participating except for big names in the femme community – that is not inclusive (Hollywood is not racially diverse if its just Will Smith and Denzel Washington and Kerry Washington and Zoe Saldana are all that are visible). That lack of visibility is incredibly troubling when terms like “realness” are being co-opted from non-cis queers of color to communities that value and prop up cis femme white women. It intensifies the imperialist gaze, which others people of color and turns their culture into commodified props. 
Considering white women are indoctrinated into viewing black women as the extremes of non-femininity because they are opposite to white women (pure | evil / soft | hard / light | dark / beautiful | ugly / quiet | loud / virginal | wanton), black women get pathologized*. Because femme identity is subverting femininity by allowing anyone who identifies as femme to use that identity as a hammer against patriarchy and patriarchal creations of femininity, it is only natural (if one lacks or disregards anti-racist learning) that white women see black women’s existence as hard femme: if for 500 years black women have been regarded as overtly unfeminine, tough, hard as nails, subversive to white supremacy, yes, white women are going to co-opt that shit, consciously or not. This is why in the #hardfemme tag on tumblr, you can have cis black women doing absolutely nothing and living their lives, or in extremes, black toddlers wearing hairbows and accessories (because black children never just get to be children), and having it be tagged #hardfemme. In the process, black women who actually ID as hard femme rarely get their voices or opinions out in the front, because, largely due to the trend of “group uniform” (which a single group that should naturally have varied opinions gets categorized as a single entity because of the large amount of visibility a small group of people have; i.e., see read tumblr feminists, think “brightly hair dyed pit hair growing flower crown wearing abortion rights wanting capitalists”), erasure happens and they no longer exist or, rather, they exist as mascots and tools for the larger white movement and their needs. 
Of course, this goes beyond small movements on the internet. The show Girls, famous for its lack of women of color even as the show is set in NYC, has no qualms about not giving visibility to women of color, even as they play their exotic, “bad” music (Lady’s Yankin’ and Santigold’s Girls), the white lead woc sidekick syndrome, and always being background in advertising, fashion shoots, and cartoons (again, unless they are big stars see Naomi Campbell, Devon Aoki, Alek Wek, etc).
It’s no surprise that when the need for intersectionality is pointed out, it gets ripped to shreds, as anti-intersectionality feminists are actually white supremacists.
* It should not be misunderstood that other women of color can internalize racist imagery against black women as well. Everyone is capable of anti-black misogyny.

Keep Your Links to Yourself

I honestly believed that deleting my tumblr would end my compulsion for mindlessly sharing items across the net and perpetuation of digitalized self, and of course that did not happen. Tumblr is one of many web platforms that I used to use, and instead, it seemed that I funneled my “reblogging” habits into “likes and sharing” on Facebook. I used to have a habit of deleting my Facebook content (statuses, links, notes, etc) after the timeline feature came through (because of my paranoia concerning the imaginary looming boss demanding to illegally go through all your facebook posts); after a few months of neglecting to do an office sweep, when I finally attempted to do so, I was disappointed by how much I posted: too much and too often and several times a day, like tumblr.
Although I’m sharing these links and stories and pictures and funny things with my Facebook friends, what is the point, honestly, when you talk to each other off the net? When they already agree with your point of view? To portray how scholarly and well-read you are? Or maybe its an indication of how bored I am at work.
With each new update, privacy settings with any web platform, but especially Facebook, are more difficult to sort through and provide a false sense of security – because they own your content, they get to share it with whomever they wish to, permitting annoyance everywhere you surf – it has been frustrating to realize that you must log out from google everytime you blog, because otherwise, google has you logged into to gmail, youtube, and other services indefinitely. Like Facebook, google tracks your content in order to provide you personalized ads so you can buy more stuff. Interestingly enough, because of the usage of keywords in a specific order, it’s hit and miss (example: I am critical of the Obama Administration, but I’m a lefty. Result – Facebook advertising  racist right-wing conspiracy websites about Obama’s origins).
I think I just want to move into purposeful internet usage (along with becoming frightened after my professor pointed out to my history class that we were zombies with our digital devices/there are bad habits that come with that; aka how many of us automatically check Facebook on our phones once we wake up?). Do we really need to share everything? To be internet friends with everyone? To hit the like button on everything? Does Facebook need to intersect with my personal and private life? Why don’t I have a central spot if I just want to share stuff and why did I stop using this tag????
I’m revisiting a few helpful tips from Julia

  • just because you like someone as a person doesn’t mean you have to follow them online – this also applies to loving what someone writes on their blog, but hating their twitter, etc. zero obligation here, remember that
  • unfollow tumblrs that post things without credit, constantly (even if they post really cool shit)
  • think about engaging more directly with fewer people online than feeling the need to engage with tons of people vaguely – that’s how you roll in real life (making a small amount of people my priority when it comes to love/friendship vs. wasting time with on the surface social butterfly acquaintance bullshit)
  • spend more time sending messages and emails to people you respect and admire than talking to/about the people who piss you off
  • when getting wrapped up in an online comment debate, step back. it doesn’t matter who gets “the last word.” if someone refuses to see your point, wasting another 10-15 minutes trying to reiterate your point won’t do any good. if you feel you’ve expressed yourself clearly, move on. (why yes, this is directly about this)

Am I sick from Internet 2.0? Yep.

Radical Tenderness, Part One

BILL MOYERS: What would you like us to be talking about?
JAMES CONE: I’d like for us, first, to talk to each other. And I’d like to talk about what it would mean to be one community, one people. Really one people.
BILL MOYERS: What would it mean?
JAMES CONE: It would mean that we would talk about the lynching tree. We would talk about slavery. We would talk about the good and the bad all mixed up there. We would begin to see ourselves as a family. Martin King called it the beloved community. That’s what he was struggling for.
BILL MOYERS: What can people do to try to help bring about this beloved community that you talk about?
JAMES CONE: First is to believe that it can happen. Don’t lose hope. If you– if you– if people lose hope, they give up in despair. Black people were enslaved for 246 years. But, they didn’t lose hope.
BILL MOYERS: Why didn’t they?
JAMES CONE: They didn’t lose hope because there was a power and a reality in their experience that helped them to know that they were a part of this human race just like everybody else.
BILL MOYERS: All right–
JAMES CONE: And they fought for that.
BILL MOYERS: All right, so I’m– I have hope. What’s next?
JAMES CONE: The next step is to connect with people who also have hope: blacks, whites, Hispanic, Asians, all different kinds of people. You have to connect and be around and organize with people who have hope.
BILL MOYERS: Organize?
JAMES CONE: Yes.
BILL MOYERS: What do you mean organize?
JAMES CONE: You organize to make the world the way it ought to be.
BILL MOYERS: And that–
JAMES CONE: And that is the beloved community. You have to have some witness to that. Even if it’s a small witness of just you and me.
BILL MOYERS: You don’t have to be angels to do that?
JAMES CONE: No, you don’t have to be–
BILL MOYERS: Remember, if men were angels, we wouldn’t need government.
JAMES CONE: That’s– that’s–
BILL MOYERS: As the founding fathers–
JAMES CONE: –right.
BILL MOYERS: –said. We’re not angels.
JAMES CONE: No, we’re not angels– no, we’re not angels. But, in– where there are two or three gathered, there is hope. There is possibility. And you don’t want to lose that. That’s why I keep teaching.

I came across the phrase through my friend Farah. I’ve done a google search, and I can only find that the phrase is connected to medicine or visual art. Although Farah was using it in context of being a bit opposed to the concept, I still feel drawn to it.

I’m figuring out what feels healing to me, re: responding to systems of oppression, and forming dialogues with people. Quite frankly, if I am to be a professor in the future, I really can’t expect to respond with someone’s gross remark by telling them “they’re a smear of shit,” even if that is what I initially believe –  it’s not conducive to getting them to change their behavior, it doesn’t allow me to heal my pain, and it would probably leave me without a job.
In the tumblr view of things, explaining oppression to oppressive people, or in other words, unfavorables who routinely fuck up, is seen as either giving in to oppressive systems, watering something down, becoming an apologist, etc. Because these people have access to all the resources in the world, why is it that they can’t just go out and look for them, and deal with the information by themselves? The ultimate fear is that we end up performing the work for them, or becoming in their eyes the “Magical Wise Negress” (or replace whatever fits your identity here).
I used to fear showing pain and hurt, because in the eyes of others, it meant that they had “won” against my feelings, that their argument meant more than them showing me empathy, and that I had to stop getting mad or stop visibly being upset to show that I could stand inch by inch against them, to prove that I wasn’t weak or less powerful. If I felt myself becoming angry or threatened by my insides into becoming emotionally upset and as a result crying, I could just hurl and insult, disengage, and leave. Or, prnt screen an Internet conversation and hurl it over the person’s head as a receipt to negatively shame them. It doesn’t make me feel good to be routinely snarky, routinely cynical, and routinely have wounds that never attempt to heal.
I’m going to speak my truth, and I will always continue to speak my truth, but I can’t respond to another person’s hatred or ignorance or misguidedness with frustrated insults or negative shaming. I want to have conversation with them, peeling off layer from layer so that we can really talk with one another, in order to heal and do better. That doesn’t mean that in doing so you disregard your boundaries, it does not mean you give into to the very systems of oppression you suffer from, and it does not mean allowing yourself to become manipulated for another person’s gain. But it does mean telling the truth, it does mean putting yourself out there, it does mean residtance to a system that wants you to uphold distrust and ugliness, and it does mean a willingness to deconstruct bothered enemy and yourself.

Cute as Subversive

(originally posted on my tumblr)
Eline and I have had on and off conversations regarding the cute aesthetic for a couple of months. I was reminded yesterday when my boyfriend jokingly referred to me as tsudere and then it delved into a serious conversation about how cuteness could possibly be a subversive thing depending on what is going on (he tried to argue that Kyary Pamyu Pamyu was not subversive, and someone that Jun Togawa would be against, but I argued the opposite).
I think cuteness is a bad thing when its infantilizing. See Hayao’s Miyazaki’s comments on moe and otaku fetishization of cute lady and girl characters in anime/manga/idol culture:
It’s difficult. They immediately become the subjects of lolicon fetishism. In a sense, if we want to depict someone who is affirmative to us, we have no choice but to make them as lovely as possible. But now, there are too many people who shamelessly depict [such heroines] as if they just want [such girls] as pets, and things are escalating more and more.
In Western culture, it’s a bit different, but of the same thing. Julie Klausner wrote an article on Jezebel that criticized white women who adopted aesthetics associated more with children than adults. Engaging in childhood nostalgia, buying bird necklaces, enjoying rainbows and My Little Pony takes away agency from white women, and positions them in way to be taken less seriously so they can obtain sexual union from white men, who want infantilized white women because they are easier to control/less threatening.
White women who are labeled as infantilized also come with another layer to their identity: they are sexualized. To be an adult white woman who is cute is to also fit into the Lolita fetish: pig tails, messy make-up, a natural nympho offered for white male pleasure to be used and abused (consensually, but in pornographic images, the idea is consensual non-consent: to pretend to not consent to any sexual act/fake rape). Derivatives of this Lolita fetish can include age play, pet play, and the Daddy/daughter deriative of the Dominance and submission dynamic.
So what does cuteness look like if it is subversive? In my opinion, the person who is commanding the aesthetic must own it: they must simply command it – they wear cuteness rather than cuteness wearing them. To be subversive in cuteness, the person mold it into their own being, so when people address them or think of them, they think: “this person is so cute, and they do this,” rather than simply thinking “they are cute.” Cuteness becomes subversive when it is unflattering, ugly, and/or uncontrolled. Although Nicki Minaj is sexualized because she is a black woman, she uses cute aesthetics, but molds it into something uncontrollable, unflattering, or ugly so it cannot simply be stated as cute. It is subversive because it is challenging. Björk is cute, but a challenging form of cuteness because she is not afraid of presenting that cuteness into a form of ugliness, in both her music and style presentation. Subversive cuteness demands self-agency and self-responsibility: those who engage in it do not shy away from being cute; it is owned and becomes something of their own.
Cuteness can be subversive when it is used by those who may not identity as girls or women, are not white, are not small in body size, visibly queer, or are not conventionally attractive. This isn’t to say that those who are most assaulted by unchallenging cuteness (attractive looking skinny white women or young lady adults) cannot be subversive; it is easier to see the subversiveness of cuteness when it is not on their bodies as their bodies are default for cuteness. 
Cuteness may have usefulness in some circumstances. Although brown and black women cannot use the politics of respectability to avoid the stereotypes of being sexually aggressive Jezebels or Sapphires or Spicy women no matter what they do, cuteness may be seen as a weapon to mitigate those attacks: because women of color (excluding East Asian women) are scripted as inherently sexual, it may bring the subject/voyeur (read: society) into a troublesome gaze when they cannot view the objects (brown and black women of color) as sexual because they are non-sexualized when they perform cuteness. As already stated, cuteness may also be useful in distorting the body: so things known as cute, such as bright colors, cartoon characters, certain shapes and cutes, may distort the body into being cute, but also ugly and challenging. For the wearer, it is cute, but for the viewer, the presentation may be bizarre, unsettling/uncomfortable, ugly, or reminiscent of old age (older women fall into the category of being unsexualized because they do have youth as sexual currency). Old women, therefore, can be seen as cute, and can be subversive.
White feminists and those who identify with mainstream feminist movement must rethink the usefulness of cuteness. Although femininity has historically been used as a way to control women and put them into the position of weakness, femininity may also be employed in a useful way to mitigate those social and cultural scripts. Critiques of cuteness often exclude the experiences of women of color, those who aren’t women, queer people, and those who are not skinny. To be critical is to examine with many pairs of glasses, not just those that are expedient.

S T Y L E showcase ⋅ Fan Bingbing

I don’t believe in disclaimers, and this is not one: I don’t know how to dress well. At least, I’m unaware of established fashion protocol. I have no knowledge of societal style sensibilities beyond the basics of color coordination, patterns on other patterns, and not leaving your house naked.


I do however, have an eye for design, as in communicative design, the umbrella term for graphic design (I’m not fond of the word, as it takes away the artistic nature of the field and presents itself as solely commercial). I find myself using milk cartons, cereal boxes, film title overcasts, and cd designs as inspiration for what I wear, consciously or otherwise. I believe that is what brought me over to Pulp, as their physical presentation go hand-in-hand with their music.

S T Y L E showcase. is my excuse for fawning over ridiculous people and their ridiculous clothes.

Fan Bingbing (范冰冰) is a mainland Chinese actress and singer. She has a lengthy career in film and television, and does roles both in Taiwan and the mainland. I am not familiar with her films, but I do enjoy her style.

Bingbing reminds me of a sophisticated, restricted type of femme style, somewhat in the style of Maggie Cheung, Jacqueline Onassis, and Elizabeth Taylor. She can dress in an almost alien-sense, be otherworldly, but still be down-to-earth and not cartoonish. Behold:
Her style is something I’d like to emulate: bold, bright colors, in your face, but subtle, make-up, poised posture, and killer looks. It’s my favorite variety of femme: “look, but don’t touch, for I shall touch you first. I’m not an egg-shell, I’m a honed blade.”
More of my favorite Bingbing looks!

Welcome to the Working Week ☁ Sunday, May 6

Image of Ulala from Space Channel 5 found here!

☁ My good friend Kailey has just published her zine, Pistachio! Read it here!
☁ Someone on blogspot posted all of Deee-Lite’s press-kits! Look at all the great style here.
☁ White buffalo sacred to Lakota Sioux found mutilated.
Write letters to CeCe McDonald! She needs our support, kindness, and love.

The nachos I had last Thursday (゚Д゚≡゚Д゚)

☁ An example on the assault of Black Studies grad students by white supremacists without Klan hoods, and how we need to take care of our own.
☁ My Fan Bingbing tag on tumblr. Mad style.
☁ Why you shouldn’t buy Lime Crime lipsticks or their makeup.
☁ Need some millennial boyband pop? Go here for the essentials.
☁ American UC San Diego wrongfully detained, tortured and isolated for five days.

☁ “Get up, look SICKENING, and make them eat it.”
It’s May!
Nicki who? Azealia who?
How, and how not, to improve schools.
☁ Balancing internet time with diy time on Bossy Femme.
PSA on giving proper head to a female-bodied person.
Nancy buying something for her one true love!
GGGGG according to Latrice Royale.
Daily Shirley is so boss.
☁ If you can stomach it and would like to see it for educational purposes rather than mental self-mutilation, watch The Birth of a Nation here on YouTube.
☁ Jessica Luxery writes a much-needed post on White Supremacy in the Fat Acceptance movement.
☁ Roni E. getting it, cat-eyed style!
☁ Sara on self-love and romantic love.

Enjoy your week!


“all i can say is – if this is my time in life…goodbye misery”

yo, FUCK trying to be like these famous writing white girls. you’re gonna be a famous writing brown girl! GO GET SOME NACHOS.

So, Sara basically paraphrased what I said, but I’m flattered by how she captured my upbeatness and empowering vibes behind my statements to her so well.

The context of the quote is in the idea of whitewashing one’s identity in order to become successful in one’s occupation, as whiteness does not value those voices not within whiteness. Rather than be Sara D. the Magnificent Writer, she becomes the Brown Nightmare Brunette or Marie Colloway. The Quirky Black Girl becomes the Black Zooey Deschanel. We never become ourselves when we forget ourselves. We never own ourselves when we sell ourselves, strip ourselves, bleach out our experiences to give whiteness a sanitized version of ourselves.

I always come back to this James Cone quote, whenever I’m feeling frustrated or small:

Now if you know that you have a humanity that nobody can take away from you, they make lock you up, they may lynch you, but they don’t win.

The greats did not become greats, even as marginalized people, by shedding themselves into shape for the dominant culture; their dignity and experiences were much more important. Our stories need to be told, and the dominant culture will not tell them for us, even as they beg you to trust them.

Forget being someone else’s racial counterpart. They will be singing my praises as a black woman.